The Friday Five: DJ dares

It's easy to rock a crowd if you play nothing but surefire hits. It's also incredibly lazy and the sort of thing a real DJ shies away from: You've got to expand your selection beyond the obvious, or else you just plain aren't doing your job. Throw some curveballs, people!

But what about rocking the party with not-so-good music? Ah, therein lies the challenge. And therein lies the challenge I am posing to my fellow DJs. The dare: Work one or more of these songs into a set without losing the crowd. If you can pull it off, then you win lots of props. And don't worry, I'm not asking you to play funeral dirges or anything like that--I want to issue a challenge, not an impossible task.

So without further ado, I give you this week's DJ dares:


1. The Fat Boys feat. The Beach Boys--"Wipeout"

2. Lucas--"Lucas With the Lid Off"

3. Shinehead--"Chain Gang Rap"

4. Bobby McFerrin--"Don't Worry, Be Happy"

5. Urban Dance Squad--"Deeper Shade of Soul"

The Friday Five: When fans ruin the artist for you

OK, I know you’re supposed to separate the artist from the fan just like you’re supposed to separate the artist from the art (i.e. separating James Brown’s amazing catalog of work from the fact that he was an abusive, manipulative asshole). And any artist knows that you can’t exactly pick your fans. You might aim for a certain type of fan, but you could very easily end up with a fan base that’s vastly different from what you were envisioning. And hey, if people like your output, that can be its own reward, right?

All the same, there are some creative people I have more trouble liking than I should simply due to the fact that I find their hardcore fans absolutely insufferable. I might even enjoy their work, but their fans just ruin it for me. To wit:

Rush Yes, they’re talented musicians, the pride of Canada, etc. But have you ever spent, say, 2.5 minutes with a hardcore Rush fan? If so, you’re a stronger person than me--I tap out at around the 90 second mark. Please stop licking Neil Peart’s nuts, people. It’s unseemly.

Lil Wayne Anybody who seriously forwards the notion that Lil Wayne is the greatest rapper or even in the “who’s the greatest rapper?” discussion at all is not to be taken seriously as they clearly own all of about 10 rap albums, half of which will be Beastie Boys albums (no disrespect to the Beasties). Besides, Juvenile's a way better rapper.

Wes Anderson Rushmore was pretty good. The Royal Tenenbaums had its moments but essentially regurgitated Rushmore in longer form. But mention that Wes might just be a tad bit overrated to a hardcore fan, and they will act like you just smeared shit on their thrift store sweater vest. “He’s so twee and quirky and visionary and” you know what? Fuck you.

Dilla To be clear, I like some of Jay Dee’s stuff. I respect his work and how he carried his career. He was for sure a really talented guy. But these Dilla Stans? The ones with the J Dilla changed EVERYTHING IN THE WHOLE ENTIRE UNIVERSE t-shirts and half-hour diatribes about how Donuts is the greatest thing ever made? They really need to pour themselves a tall glass of Shut The Fuck Up and stop giving the good man a bad name.

Freestyle Fellowship and Living Legends Talented artists. Obnoxious fans. Anybody who has ever encountered a hardcore Fellowship and/or Legends fan knows exactly what I’m talking about. It makes memories of good music turn sour, and who wants that to happen?

Bonus Beat: The Wachowski Brothers This only gets an honorable mention because Wachowski brothers fans are, generally speaking, just Matrix fans. And The Matrix was not deep, OK? It wasn’t. It was the CliffsNotes of your Intro to Philosophy textbook covered in a thin sheen of pseudo-cool. If you try to tell me how profound that turd was, I will regard you as, at best, a jabbering idiot.

The Friday Five: Oh, Canada!

I've definitely made my share of Canada jokes over the years. Actually, I've made my share, your share, and her share of Canada jokes. You know, like how Canada is the US's largest national park. How it's America's hat. How they only recently got the Internet in their igloos. That sort of thing. But last week, I was up in the frozen tundra to do some DJing with m'man DJ Frame, and I gotta tell ya, Canada is freakin' great. That's not to say I won't still crack jokes on Canada, but just understand that they come from a place of love. So with that in mind, here are five ways Canada totally sons the States:


1. The people
Canadians are nice. Simple as that. They're really cool people (no, that's not a "Canada is cold" joke), always looking to help you out or hook you up or what have you. But they aren't nice in a smarmy, cloying way. It's just something that comes naturally to them. It's a wonderful thing that should be celebrated, even by cynics like me.

2. The crowds
The best way I can say it is that Canadians really appreciate music. They come to the club looking to dance, and they show a lot of love to DJs who can make that happen. Sure, they want to hear some hits, some familiar stuff, but they're so much more willing to let DJs take chances and go off the beaten path than American crowds are these days with their "I want to hear the exact same songs I listened to in my car on the way to the club" attitude. Americans: Learn from our northerly neighbors. It'll be so much more fun for everybody.

3. The DJ pay
If I did these exact same parties in the States, I would've made maybe--maybe--half as much money. Real talk.

4. The women
Canadian women are hot. Not much else to say about that.

5. The health care system
I didn't experience this firsthand (knock on wood), but c'mon. Our system is a freakin' mess. Theirs isn't perfect (how could any system be perfect?), but it's a hell of a lot better than ours. It makes sense, and it works; perhaps that's a by-product of the fact that Canada isn't as beholden to screaming right-wing crazies as the States are.

The Friday Five: Great Guest Spots

You know what's an oxymoron these days? A hip-hop "solo" album. It damn near doesn't exist anymore. Some rapper dude will be saying, "Yeah, check for my solo album," and then you look at the track listing, and there is not one song the rapper does by himself--every track is featuring somebody else. What's the matter, kid, can't hold down a single song on your own? No. No you can't.

Of course, "featuring" doesn't always have to mean "artist can't make solo song." It can actually mean "this guest is perfect for this song." And on some occasions, it can mean "OK, so this is technically my song, but my guest star here is about to steal the show." Here are five such occasions:

1. Chubb Rock--Any non-Chubb Rock song
Wanna get murdered on your own joint? Give the Chubbster a call. Go ahead. Chubb will hand you your ass on a platter.

2. LL Cool J--"Rampage" (EPMD)
One of LL's greatest verses, and given how deep his catalog is, that's really saying something. He comes through and straight murders this cut, riding the beat to perfection the way he always does. "Sneak a peek at how I freak the notes/Major MCs become minor B-flats/So retire the mic, get your chains and your bats/Here's your chance to advance/Get in your stance/I'll shoot the holster off your cowboy pants/Pure entertainment/Tonight's your arraignment/You're guilty, face down on the pavement." Killin' it.

3. Q-Tip--"All the Way Live" (Tha Alkaholiks), "Get Down" remix (Craig Mack)
In the mid-1990s, my friends and I often discussed what we called Q-Tip Syndrome, which meant coming off harder on guest appearances than you do on your own material. These two songs were prime examples of said Syndrome.

4. Chuck D--"Tales From the Dark Side" (Ice Cube)
The collaboration that pretty much had to happen, given that Cube was still in political mode and working with the Bomb Squad. Still, Chuck fit perfectly, bending a little bit toward Cube's style (Chuck curses!) but still bringing that Public Enemy #1 heat.


5. Grand Puba--"Are You Ready?" (The Beatnuts)
"It's on, muthafucka, can't you see that?/No shame in my game, yo Doogie, where the weed at?"

Honorable mention: Bun B--"Big Pimpin'" (Jay-Z)
Just because Bun fuckin' kills it.

The Friday Five: The Simpsons Go to the Movies

I'll be the first to admit that the quality of The Simpsons has waxed and waned over the years (mostly waned of late), but one thing the show has always done well is fake movies. Anytime any of the Simpsons hits up the ol' Googleplex, you know you're about to see some seriously funny stuff. From the fake titles on the marquee (like you wouldn't go see Shenanigoats) to Homer putting theatre butter on his Milk Duds ("swim, my pretties"), it's a laff riot. But the best part is always when we get to see the movies the Simpsons are watching, as they are hilarious pretty much without fail. Here are my picks for the five best ones:

1. The Poke of Zorro
I damn near ruptured some internal organs the first time I saw this one. It's an incredible rip on the "historical summer blockbuster" genre, complete with horrendous anachronisms (the Scarlet Pimpernel, modern-day sarcasm, King Arthur, ninjas), and, for you freeze-frame enthusiasts, a bunch of jokes in the closing credits. Plus, the theme rap is classic material ("He's the Z to the O to the double-R O/He's the man in the mask from the barrio"). And it sets off Homer's whole "Glove slap! I don't take crap!"/"I demand satisfaction!" binge, which is great.

2. Left Below
For a while, I was a big fan of the Christian apocalypse movies because they contain everything I love about terrible low-budget action movies with a bonus heapin' helping of...how to put this delicately...batshit crazy religious fundamentalism. Left Below is so funny because it's pretty much a dead-on impression of those movies; no jokes needed to be added because the movies themselves are unintentional jokes. "I thought all religions were a path to god--I was wrong!"

3. Tango De La Muerte
This is the pick of the litter--so much incredible comedy jammed into such a small amount of time. There's Naked Gun-style stupidity ("As your wise but alcoholic dance coach, I know that somewhere your father is looking down on you and smiling. Oh, there he is!" [his father, on a balcony, smiles and gives two thumbs up]; "Only one man was crazy enough to dance that dance, and he is dead." "My twin brother, Freduardo. But where he died, I shall live...in his apartment."), an offhand dig at Millhouse ("Que malo. Once again, I must sugar my own churro."), and a dance title called "Loco Legs." And if you read this, then you are now carrying my child. How? It is the mystery of the dance.

4. Love Is Nice
A more brutally hilarious evisceration of mainstream rom-com claptrap -- and the people who lap it up -- is hard to come by:
"One groom...TWO grooms?!? But he...but you...oh, my medication"
"Radical!"
"Is that your final answer?"
Homer's lament that an IQ of 105 makes one way too intelligent for such cinematic fare is just the icing on the cake. The wedding cake, that is. For the bride (Julia Roberts) and two grooms (one of whom is a rich snob, ably played by Bill Paxton/Pullman).

5. Football in the Groin
Barney's movie had heart, but Football in the Groin had a football in the groin. The replacing of Hans Moleman with George C. Scott was an inspired casting choice.

Honorable Mention: Soccer Mummy
OK, so this is just a fake trailer, not a full-on movie, but it's an absolutely perfect rip on those kooky, krazy Disney sports movies, complete with "I Feel Good" accompanying the wacky montage. I literally laughed myself to tears at this one.